Fathering: Falsehoods & Fantasies

What Being A Father Brings

Sunday, September the 1st, was Father's Day here in Australia. Unlike North America where it's celebrated in June, it's always the first Sunday of September down-under. I'm completely baffled why Mother's Day is honoured the world over on the same day, but Father's Day is not. (If anyone knows the answer, hit reply and let me know). 

With Father's Day just gone – and my second in one year courtesy of being in both hemispheres for each – I thought it'd be a nice time to look back and reflect on my own journey of being a dad (so far).

To wind it back a little, I never really thought about being a father until I was one. Sure, I hoped to be someday but it didn't really gnaw away at me. When I turned 40 and it hadn't happened, I thought that was it and fatherhood had passed me by. I reconciled the fact with myself and then subsequently made peace with it.

PICTURE MY SURPRISE THEN WHEN AT 44 YEARS YOUNG I GOT SHOWN THE LITTLE WHITE STICK WITH THE BLUE LINE ACROSS IT

It didn't take me long to register that I was about to become a dad for the very first time. I ran with it and was rubbing my hands with glee imagining how many great things I'd be able to teach my nipper, or how I'd impart my four decades of wisdom upon them. From riding a bike, swimming, and kicking a footy, to introducing them to all my great music, and as they got older, give them all the ins and outs of life: the good, the bad, the ugly, the opposite sex, life's challenges, but also the great things and joy it can usher like love.

YEP, I WAS READY… OR SO I THOUGHT

My excitement and perhaps naive, delusional mind got a rude awakening, when fairly quickly on after the birth of my first son, Kailan, I discovered that it wasn't me who would be teaching him, but him teaching me.

(Born at home on St. Patrick's Day (March 17, 2017), during a snowstorm, his name actually means 'Pure'. To read more about it click previous newsletter: What's In A Name)

A MOMENT OF SHEER VULNERABILITY

So what do I mean by, 'It was him who would be teaching me?' 

Look at the first photo above. That moment he grabs my little finger and clings to it is a moment that will live in my heart and soul forever, for it was a moment of sheer vulnerability that so moved by that tiny gesture (even thinking about it now makes my eyes well up), meant everything! 

In front of you, you have this tiny little vulnerable being who reaches out for your support and comfort and strength to protect and take care of him. In that moment, there's a magical bond between a new father and his newborn child. You make an oath to yourself to do whatever you can, whenever you can, however you can, to uphold it. 

It would be the first of many unspoken moments where everything is flipped on its head and all your best laid intentions and plans and dreams and hopes and desires and expectations, get thrown out the window. Moments where you re-evaluate your own life and how you go about it. Moments that everything shifts and instead of thinking about your own future, it's all about theirs. But it's also about being in the now, always.

BEING PRESENT HAS NEVER MEANT MORE!

It's here, as they grow up right before your very eyes that to them, the world is a beautiful, magical place full of awe and wonder and adventure and mystery, no matter how you may view it.

In a second beautiful home birth (in absolute awe of women and their strength and inner power), when Iluka landed here on Earth back in October 11, 2021, on a very peaceful Yelapa, Mexico night, it's been the same.

HAVING JUST TURNED 49, SIX DAYS LATER I WAS A FATHER AGAIN

And like my first time, I was thrilled! 

I love being a dad. I'm very hands-on, I enjoy the experience, I love watching them learn and grow and be curious by everything. Seeing their sheer unbridled joy at the most simple things is a joy to savour.

This time, however – while I will still guide and lead by example – I knew to sit back and learn by merely observing him. 

THERE’S TRULY NOTHING LIKE IT

I no longer look back at the past with a nostalgic eye, nor view the future hoping to fulfil dreams I still want to achieve. Instead, I focus on being as present as possible, enjoying every moment (good and bad) as they come, and roll with it. Because if life has taught me anything, it's that it can all be gone in an instant.

Despite the messy, noisy unpredictability having kids brings, my mind and soul have found an inner peace unlike any other time in my life before it. 

When Kailan was born I recall friend and grandmother, Vickie, who wrote: "Enjoy it all, the shambles, messiness, sleepless nights, the wild ride of it, and the noise (especially the noise), because once they grow up and leave home while your house may be quiet, you'll miss it." It's always stuck with me.

So while being a father brings with it many responsibilities, it also brings with it energy and life and messiness and fun and noise. It may not go where you hoped or wanted, but instead, take you on a wild, unpredictable, audacious journey. If there's one thing I do know – that's where the real magic is!

Kailan and Iluka: Stay wild, messy, and curious. Know that I will always love you no matter what.