My Worst Fear Realised
(8 min read)
“Of all the kid’s we know, Kailan has the best personality of all of them.” ~ Married Couple Friends
“We shouldn’t have favourites, but he was ours. We’ll really miss him.” ~ Daycare Toddler Educators.
“This kid’s always smiling!” ~ Friend
The above quotes are a tiny sample of the many compliments we would get for Kailan on an almost regular basis from friends, teachers, neighbours… even complete strangers. All very keen to heap their praises upon us. They are also a constant reminder for me of what it meant when I finally opted to make a radical life changing choice that would alter the course of his life, and mine, forever.
You see, I made the most difficult, heartbreaking decision of my entire life – to exit from my longterm relationship and leave behind my only child in Canada, to finally return home to Australia.
Having made it gives me no solace.
For those who know me, and knew what it meant to me to be a dad to one of the happiest, funnest, most affectionate, always smiling and loveliest kids around, then you’ll know I carry a heavy heart. I am the very definition of a doting dad. I interacted with him all the time. I’d spend hours playing and reading to him, continually encouraging him to take chances and risks, to go further, to explore his surroundings and discover himself. In short, I was always engaged. I love my son more than anything in the world. (see home video I made to mark his 3rd birthday below)
After wrestling with this decision, I departed Canada, aware that I may now only get to see him once a year as a result. I’d spent almost every single day of his three and a half years by his side, so this choice weighed heavy on me, disturbed my mind, and haunted my soul.
It Was My Worst (And Only) Fear Realised.
I’ve never been afraid of anything, not a single thing. I’ve run with 1000 kg (2200 lb) bulls in Pamplona, Spain. I’ve leapt off 200ft platforms with nothing but a bungee cord wrapped around my ankles. I’ve rolled my car while driving at 160kmh (100mph). I’ve had a fully loaded gun pointed at my head. I’ve travelled through some unsafe, gnarly countries, and by and large, taken many risks. To me, it’s the only way to live and feel alive!
The only fear I have ever had was to have a child of my own only to split from the mother some time later – never fully realising that cohesive, loving family unit I hoped and craved for if I ever became a father.
My solitary fear was brought on by the fact that I myself am the product of a “broken home”. My parents divorced when I was six. My dad is also a result of his upbringing, with his own parents separating somewhere in his early teens. But unlike him, I didn’t grow up cold and detached, instead, I became warmer and much more available.
I swore to never repeat the mistakes of my own parents – who argued and fought, and raised their voices over the other just to feel heard. Who once pulled on my little arms in a game of human tug-of-war, to have me spend time with only one of them and not the other. Or in a fit of rage, threw scissors at my head because I didn’t pack up my toys fast enough for my mum’s liking, an act which subsequently required a dash to hospital for stitches. My mum might have forgotten, but I never did having a scar to prove it.
No, not only did I vow to never ever get violent with my child, but I swore to never be a part-time dad whose only way to show love was to shower his two kids in gifts once a fortnight. Need some new shoes? Here you go. Want a bike? Have one!
The only gift I ever wanted was love and affection.
But now this is what I have done, become a part-time dad, only with one major difference – I’ve moved over 24 hours away. I can’t go pick him up every fortnight to spend quality time in an everyday, fun lovin’ way. That hurts.
I must bear the consequences of my actions no matter the emotional and mental cost. Unlike my own father – a man who finds it awkward to hug his own son – I am the polar opposite of my dad. Kailan has always received plenty of hugs and kisses, affection, praise, and endless warmth & love from me in every way possible. And he shall continue to do so until my last breath. I know no other way to love.
However, there is no reconciling that no matter what I say or convince myself of, nothing will replace the distance and obvious lack of physical touch. None!
Simply put, I’ve disappointed my son, let myself down, and lost untold valuable moments and cherished memories I’ll never get to create or have with him. It’s a tough burden to bear but one I must now shoulder regardless.
So Why Do It?
Why throw away an almost five year relationship, give up a boy I love more than life, and move to the other side of the world to return home to Australia – a country I haven’t lived in for over eight years – and start completely from scratch?
Answer. I was fucking miserable.
I’ve lived in eight major cities around the world (Melbourne, London, Edinburgh, Auckland, Sydney, Rio, Los Angeles) and Toronto is hands down, the single worst city I have ever lived – not to mention the bloody coldest (and dullest).
It lacked any real culture, was devoid of greenery virtually 7-8 months of the year – very hard to take given the other colourful, vibrant cities I’ve lived – and only ever got “hot” for a couple of weeks mid-summer. Add the constant high-rise construction crowding out the downtown core, demolishing what little history and heritage it had, along with all the noise and dust plumes that go with it, and it was a tough place to live.
But I’m not here to beat up on the city. This popular podcast I was interviewed on, goes into more depth about Toronto. An interview that many expats, and even some locals, agreed with. Click any of the links below to hear: FAQ Toronto: Episode 3: Toronto Life Under Lockdown
Direct web link (to episode #3):
Google Podcasts (select episode #3)
I’d Put On A Happy Face, Pretend Everything Was All Right, But In Truth It Wasn’t.
I had barely any friends of my own – not discounting the mutual, welcoming Latin American friends I met through my ex-partner, but they weren’t my people. Canada, and all its rule-minded rigidity, drove me fucking mental. And Torontonian Canadians as a whole, although polite, are not friendly. There’s a big difference. Like their weather, they are cold, dull, boring and fickle, save the two genuine Canadian friends I did make. Though I was unable to see them as often as I could or would’ve liked, plus they were originally from other parts – one a boy from the prairies, the other a Montreal gal. And save a couple of good neighbours I got to know much better during the last few months I was there, both before, and during lockdown. Ironically, they were not Canadian.
In hindsight I realise I retreated, not wanting to put myself out there the way I had previously done in every other city I’d resided, for reasons even I don’t know or understand.
But above everything else, however, I was in the single most intense relationship I have ever been in. A relationship where I compromised myself so much, I lost my identify. One in which there were way too many differences to overcome, not just culturally (she’s Colombian), but one where we both wanted things we were never going to get from one another. We both threw ourselves into the love & care of our child, neglecting each other in parenthood.
However, it wasn't just the differences. There were behaviours I no longer wanted to put up with nor tolerate any further. My mental and emotional state was suffering, and so I needed to put my own self-worth and dignity first. But I'm not here to air dirty laundry or put things straight to correct false narratives.
Something Had To Give And In The End That Something Was Me.
After eight and a half years in North America (4.5 in L.A, 4 in Toronto), I found myself fatigued by the drama that is North America (both sides of the border) and the attitudes associated with it. If you’ve never lived overseas, you’ll never know the trials, tribulations and difficulties that go with living abroad. Being from Australia and finding myself living in Canada, was akin to taking a big step back. We give up so much more than we get in return ie: warm weather; real beaches; more holidays (annual & public); higher wages; far superior work/life balance; easy-going, friendlier nature; more fun attitude, just to name a few. Moving to Canada might be considered a “step up” if you’re from Latin America – though I have my doubts having travelled extensively through that region – but honestly, coming from Australia and living in Canada, it is a massive step backwards, no doubt about it.
I also found myself feeling a strong call to return home for the first time in my life – a country I’d been jetting on & off from as a young, wide-eyed 22 year old some 25 years earlier. That wasn’t helped either by the recent devastating wildfires that destroyed vast tracts of Australia’s beautiful and immense bushland and forest areas, parts of which may never recover. Watching from afar, I felt utterly helpless. It ripped my heart out and crushed my soul in the process. It was fucking tough to see your home country burn to the ground. The fires so destructive, they were dubbed Australia’s worst ever fires for good reason.
I wasn’t coping. I no longer had the drive or willpower to just grit my teeth and hope for the best, knowing the best was behind us both. I was done. I needed a fresh start, one far from a city, country, continent, that other than some key moments and memories, had left me unhappy, despondent and sad.
At my darkest, it was my son who gave me the will to trudge on. To have fun where I could and see the world through his beautiful, playful, innocent and loving eyes. As a result, my heart was torn, my mind ragged… my soul lost.
Better For Both Of Us
But now I’m far, far away and yet despite it all, I know it’s the best thing for him and for me. I began to put my mental and emotional health first. I also no longer accept less than what I want or deserve – in anything! At the end of the day, by taking the action I have, it’s my belief that it will better serve us both. Seeing his dad happier, healthier, relaxed, more fun and back to the best possible version of himself, while doting and loving on his son even more (even if from afar), will show him that I am a man who leads by example. He never ever has to accept any situation, no matter what it is. I believe this will make him an exemplary young man as he traverses the world in his own unique, fun, caring (and carefree) way.
Most who read this will know I am a very, very private man, guarding my personal life and privacy vehemently. To open up like this on a deeply intimate matter is not easy. I only told four of my closest, most cherished friends I was returning to Australia. To share this difficult decision in this way, on this forum, has not been a decision I reached lightly. But with so many friends old and new, many of whom I remain in some form of contact with, the time feels right to open up and let people in and reveal the anguish and torment of a decision that was the single hardest I’ve ever made. It still doesn’t make it any easier.
I’m not looking for comfort, sympathy or support, I have that in a couple of incredibly generous, sincere and understanding souls. Nor am I looking for opinions. I certainly got enough grief from my ex, and from people on the outside who chose to express their disbelief, disapproval and/or judgemental thoughts, rather than to listen and hear me.
While I spoke to a tiny handful of trusted souls who had split where kids were involved – and I will be forever grateful for their input (they know who they are) – I had zero people I could turn to who have been through this unique situation. The few people I did share my news with, all empathised and understand my predicament. But the people who choose (or chose) to hear only one side of the story, however, meh, ignorant, narrow-minded, and oblivious to the real goings on inside my relationship and my mind.
The Best Dad In The History Of Ever!
I care about my ex-partner. She is a good mother – the very essence of a warm, loving, generous and kind woman. I know Kailan is in the best hands possible to steer him through this trying, tricky time. I will always be here for him, always! I know he’ll bounce back and be his usual bubbly, upbeat self. This kid of mine has a light so bright, a smile so warm and welcoming, which all comes with a super fun personality, it’s easy to see why he has been given so much praise.
As for me, I’ve since written a few kid’s picture books which have been healing. I’m now approaching agents to sell and publish them. A few people reading this have seen those finished manuscripts. The feedback I’ve received has been nothing short of glowing. I believe they are my best work.
After the strange, surreal journey I undertook during this whole Covid debacle, bouncing from airport to airport with little to no people around, stepping foot off the plane at the other end was a welcome relief. From the very first moments upon arriving back on home shores and being immediately met by that relaxed, laidback Aussie attitude we’re famous for, I knew the decision I made was the right one. Despite two weeks in a government mandated, hotel quarantine stay – which in itself revealed unexpected magic – it has only gotten better and better, even with lockdowns.
Breathing the fresh air out here in country Victoria, miles away from the hustle or noise of any city, has been the absolute tonic I needed. To step foot on my homeland once more, in a country I’ve sorely missed, to see and hear all those unique animal and bird calls, surrounded by lush green landscape, even in mid-winter (unlike Canada), is one of the many reasons that calling was finally heeded. For the first time in my life, I feel like putting down roots.
Rest assured, I am, and will continue to be, the epitome of what makes an amazing dad despite the distance. I now get to be even more creative, finding new ways to entertain and show my love and affection for a boy who has been nothing short of life-changing, often in ways I never saw coming – ways that have helped me grow, develop, and evolve as a man beyond my wildest dreams.
Yep, father-son love is alive and well, and will be forever always.
